Me and my friend were having a conversation last week over some hot chocolate and coffee (just setting the scene) and we started discussing this notion of hiding.
I was sharing with her how once upon a time I hid and I used to believe I was better off unseen and unheard.
Growing up I was always compared to someone else, I was used to being overlooked or somewhat invisible to people, I was either the kind of pretty friend or just the ugly one out of my friends. I was smart but just not smart enough, I was good but just not good enough, I was family but just not family enough (sounds funny but true).
I didn’t ever offer to do things because I didn’t think I’d be accepted (fear of rejection) and so I spent a great portion of my life not putting my best foot forward and being all I’ve been called to be in fear of not being good enough, or believing that there is no space for me maybe because I conditioned myself to believe that because of my experiences.
On the other hand, when I had decided to be brave enough to put myself out there in some way or another, I grew extremely anxious trying to be perfect so there was no room for rejection. I wanted to prove that I was good enough or necessary. Both sides are just as destructive.
I was afraid to be my best or to shine because I felt as though I wasn’t allowed to. I felt like I didn’t have permission to express what I knew I truly possessed, ever felt that way? I didn’t commit to excellence when given the chance because I believed I was average but that wasn’t the truth, I was far from average and I was more than good, but I didn't give myself the opportunity to acknowledge that. There was only so much growth that could happen, unless I opened myself up more to stepping out and taking more risks, I eventually got stuck.
I heard an amazing statement from Sarah Jakes Rob