Depression has been something I have struggled with in the past, even after I got saved. My earliest memory of experiencing it really badly was when I was 14 years old. I had been kicked out of my house and had been taken to live in Southampton with a relative, I didn’t know anyone there accept for the people I was going to live with. This relative was very abusive, mentally, emotionally and even physically.
I just remember being in a really dark place, like a cloud was over me and feeling really alone. It’s such a hard feeling to put into words, all I know is every day I just felt like I wanted to die.
Here I was an orphan, I had lost my mum, I had never known my biological dad and word was he was deceased as well. So, I didn’t feel like I belong anywhere, or I was part of a family.I felt so alone, I would think about my funeral and wonder if anyone would show up! I didn’t feel like there was a reason for me to live. I would take long walks, I would call ChildLine sometimes just to talk to someone to probably not feel the weight of not only the loneliness but the depth of pain I felt, throughout the whole time I was living there.
I had physical pains in my heart and doctors couldn’t tell me what it was. I didn’t really understand what it was either but maybe it was just a broken heart. That was such a hard time, I had been through hard things before but this point in my life was different for me it was make or break. I had suppressed a lot of feelings and I knew I was suffering in silence, but I didn’t want to put out my family like that until one day.
I was getting ready to go to school, I was taking GCSEs at the time and this particular relative was going off on one as per usual. I had locked the bathroom door and they were literally trying to knock down the door to get to me.
I came out of the bathroom and one of my male relatives came out and started shouting, then started hitting me in my face from left to right, I managed to get up, threatened to throw the chair in their face, grabbed my bag and ran out. I couldn’t stop crying, literally!